Breaking Free

It has been since 1999 that I belonged to any church. My journey out of Christian fundamentalism has spanned more than a decade with many tears, triumphs and tragedy. I had, for my whole adult life willingly submitted to various church systems out of fear of eternal damnation, hell. I see now that I had subjected myself repeatedly to mind programming and brainwashing by religious leaders and more importantly through subtle behavioral modification by other Christians. I was familiar with these techniques because I had employed them as well. It was standard practice to disapprove of certain behaviors and beliefs by withholding affection,  acceptance, validation and sometimes even friendship. How very sad.

My process of coming out of the church system was like a cage fighter only my opponent was the cage itself; I felt battered and beaten by trying to dismantle the religious system from the inside out. I tried so hard to get those still within it to come out but to no avail. I understand now that there is a purpose for structured religion and that people will remain within it as long as they need to. My problem is that I was still programmed to proselytize. 

My husband Lyle sets our hog trap each time we see evidence of them tearing up the yard around our house. Texas has a rather large ferrel hog population and occasionally they camp for a few days near our home and cause a lot of damage tearing up the lawn as they look for their favorite meal, grub worms. I have read that hogs can smell them up to 18 inches below the surface and their tusks can easily over turn the Texas turf to find them.

A few days ago Lyle set the trap with corn, something the hogs love. Unfortunately, deer love corn too. He usually mixes a small amount of diesel fuel in with the corn so that other animals would not be drawn within the cage. Hogs, it seems, don’t mind the sweet smell and taste of diesel. This time however, he did not use the fuel. We woke up the next morning hearing yelps from the cage and looked out to see a beautiful young buck trapped inside the hog pen.

Harry our Great Dane was beside himself wanting to go out to the pasture to see about the latest game in the pokey. We were able to restrain Harry inside the house while we went out to free the buck. 

Approaching the cage the buck was flailing himself around wildly trying to escape and causing a great deal of harm to himself. We stopped moving hoping that he would calm down but it was evident we just needed to get to the cage to open it and let him free. Lyle had difficulty getting a hold of the gate because the buck was ramming his head into the other side of the cage moving it several inches each time he struck. His rack stood over a foot above his head and anyway he turned he would strike the rack and hurt his head. He charged the cage again and again and again.

We opened the door but the buck was too scared, too hurt, too wild. Lyle, holding the gate open, told me to go to the opposite side of the pen so that the buck would turn away from me, see the open gate and leave. However, the most amazing thing happened; The buck stopped and stood perfectly still and began to watch me. He was bleeding badly from his nose and air was escaping through the bloody torn cartilage upwards on his snout. I bent over to look at him. His head and rack were lowered. There we were, standing less than 18 inches apart, eye to eye.

I was overcome with compassion for this poor wounded deer. With our eyes locked I said, “I am so sorry, poor thing. I am so sorry. You are okay. Be still. You’re okay. All you need to do is turn around, keep your head down and leave the cage. Turn around, keep your head down and leave the cage. You are free, you are free.” His eyes did not leave mine as he watched me carefully. I lowered my gaze and grimaced. I felt so much pity, his self inflicted wounds bleeding profusely and dripping onto the grass below him.

A minute or more had passed and I moved slightly to straighten up and with a start, he turned around, put his head down and exited the cage running swiftly toward the open pasture, his beautiful white tail disappearing in the brush.

How often do we continue to batter ourselves within these "cages" when all we need to do is to turn around, keep our head down and walk free? I speak with many transitioning Christians whose consciousness can no longer be constrained within limiting, dogmatic belief systems. They want others to join their cause once they see the insidiousness of their programming and try to dismantle the system from the inside out, just as I did. That however just doesn’t work! And it is not the pattern that Jesus set when He overcame the religious systems of His day. They forced him out of the synagogues and temples - so He taught in the fields, in homes, gardens, boats and mountaintops. Buildings (structured religion) cannot contain the Christ. They are egocentric institutions that pander to the ego. People will always be threatened by such freedom for in that freedom there is no consensus, and where there is no consensus there is fear.

Our freedom and others lies within our ability to walk free, out from the restriction that keeps our consciousness from unfolding and to become as He is. Jesus was a pattern that showed consciousness how to break free from mind controlling religious systems.